he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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