his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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