is your mom at the bar?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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