He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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