why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
if only i could text you this smell
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
