and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
All I want is dick and wine.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
