Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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