happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
