I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
