Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Randomize
