I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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