In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
