I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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