I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it's like iHOP with fire
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
