Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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