If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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