Fine. I'll sleep in my office
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
