I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
