Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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