Don't you send me to vm
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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