remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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