I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
