Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Who put my cat in the fridge?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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