Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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