Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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