he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
