I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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