What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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