there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
