i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
