How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
