"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You're a waste of cheezeits
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
