i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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