i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
