my phone needs a breathalizer
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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