Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Someone came in the potted fern
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
