I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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