Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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