You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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