u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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