I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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