Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
