I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
