Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
a search helicopter?!
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
