Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
