if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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