First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
