I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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