when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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