i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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