real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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