It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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