I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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