Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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