Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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