I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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