I seem to have left my pride at pride
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
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And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
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She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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