I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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