the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize