The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
