Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
